The God Who Speaks
Written on April 16, 2012.
It’s amazing how one moment can change a person forever. Women may feel this reality more acutely than men because the moment that changes a woman is when she finds out she will be a mother. I’ve dreamed of the day I would discover a baby growing inside me for at least the last sixteen years. I’ve loved other people’s children and dreamed of what I would do when that precious day finally came for me.
But it took me a very long time to find the man I was willing to commit my entire life to and call Husband. I felt strongly like I should implicitly trust the man I married, and that day did not come until my mid-30s. Because I lived for so long with dreams that never seemed to come true, it was hard for me to rest in the knowledge that now that I was married, a child might be possible. I worried that our dreams for children would be as difficult to achieve as finding one another had been.
But 10 days ago, my husband was leaving to go out and work in the morning and when he kissed me goodbye, he also patted my belly and said, “Goodbye, Baby”. Huh? I asked him to clarify and he said very casually, “There’s a baby in there.”
Well, I was determined not to get my hopes up this month, so I quickly shot back, “No there isn’t. I’m NOT pregnant.”
“Oh yes you are” was his ornery, sparkly eyed response. I put it from my mind, but I couldn’t help giggling at the idea that he might just be right.
We went to a praise and worship service last night and during one of the songs, I felt God’s presence around me very strongly. I felt like He was assuring me that I was pregnant, that the time had come. I was incredibly aware of how emotional I was, how much I wanted to hear those words, so I dismissed the voice as my own desires. But the feeling wouldn’t go away. As many times as I’ve thought God had spoken to me in the past and been wrong, I am always very hesitant to accept that the voice I hear is actually His. I finally said, “Lord, You know I’m afraid to accept that this is Your voice, so I’m going to wait to rejoice until I know for sure. And if I’m not hearing Your voice, I’ll praise You anyway.”
When I got home that night, I scribbled a quick note with the date, that I felt God telling me I was pregnant, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up. The next day I reluctantly took the test.
Amazing. It had happened. In a reasonable amount of time. Without medical intervention. Whoa.
Six weeks later we finally had an ultrasound and got to see that flashing light on the screen – our baby’s heart beating strongly. My sweet husband sat near me, squeezing my foot in quiet comfort.
God has answered my prayers. When I got laid off from the church, I found I couldn’t pray for a new job. When I prayed, the only words that came out were repeatedly this: “Lord, please provide for me a husband, children, and a home of my own.” The answered prayers overwhelm me. I sit in my beautiful home, next to this amazing man who has married me, nurturing new life inside me. My heart cannot quit singing praise.